JUST JIST

August is here again, anyway the popular “AUGUST BREAK” known for little or no downpour. But it seems as though the break already began in July and may not last all through August as it should. Hian!  rain would be bad luck for our provost cup anticipating guys. Let’s just keep fingers crossed , it’s good enough that we are not meteorologists. We are your most reliable ‘ofofologists’  giving you cool gists from near and beyond. What better way can we usher you into the charming month of AUGUST?

The passing week saw one of the great traditional leaders of the south-west pass on to glory. Hmm it’s the drama after his passing on! that has left us in awe with our mouths gaped. With the news of his death breaking out in the middle of the week and as usual the normal rituals and procedures were said to have been conducted. But to our amazement, the elders of the land turned around to say that their Kabiyesi is ‘hale and hearty’. Topping the whole spectacle was when the son of the kabiyesi held his wedding ceremony in an elaborate manner with the kabiyesi in attendance in form of the ‘STAFF’.  We can only say “ki ade pe lori staff and ki bata pelese staff, Kabiyesi oo!”

 Relationships are wonderful, the love is red, the affection is purple but the breakup is BLACK. The past  months in our little village has seen some epic and dramatic break ups. It all started with the freshest class, when one of the big girls in school decided to search for greener pastures, ending her ‘Cinderella and Prince Charming Relationship’ for a troll in the dungeon , one HOUSE OFFICER like that,Hmm! She probably found love in a hopeless place and we pray God consoles the poor boy she left on his loss, we also pray he doesn’t end up being a Zee world addict.

Another relationship that took a turn around was a relationship made in physio department, these two ex-love birds had been the talk of the town with both of the being members of our two LASUMSA political parties. The bobo must have thought he had it all with his babe and it would be forever. Well, this was just a dream as the aunty was brutal in giving him a wakeup call. It was not funny when she decided to end their ten months relationship on the eve of a semester exam, leaving this brother in shock. Some fraction of the school feel the brother should visit Dr Zach’s desk for some assistance.

Away the sister in question being one of the hottest Alhajas town is cruising on as she seems to be getting suitors from here and beyond. The broken relationship might even be as a result of an evil spirit in the lady’s room. Yeah! Research has revealed that the room is responsible for three break ups in the last seven months with an outstanding roommate yet do do her part.   However,  we have not heard anything from classes with clinical experience. However, the information reaching us is that the process is ongoing in one them  and it would be made official later this week.

If you are in this college and you don’t know the youngest, freshest, most handsome and most emotional pastor who happens to be an F.O.P. and also an oga in the LASUCOM armed forces you need to do some frog jumps. He was said to have been one of the lead soldiers  to the tsambisa forest to get back our chibok girls before the mission was terminated by his oga C.O. He is also known to have his eyes on the ladies. Recently he went nude on Facebook showing how outstanding it was to be a doctor with 6 packs, we don't know if  baba was trying to get attention of medical modelling companies or he was trying to attract foreign chicks.

People who have been watching him say,he is the only guy in LASUCOM that will take his bath for about two hours, wear his best cloth, use powder not just on his face but also on his body and wear his cologne  like someone who has a wedding ceremony when actually he just wants to go and read. He has tried his luck with several home-based  ladies in nearly all the classes  including having a special distant crush at one time on the current Miss LASUCOM (this egbon can dream more than Martin Luther King  sha!).

Well we thank God that after lots of fasting and prayer,  he finally land himself a brief, beautiful, though controversial bae in the 200 level who seems to get people’s attention with her pity face and lovely eyes. A lot of transference has been going on between the two recently and only God knows what is being transferred if it is the spirit of God or another thing. It was also gathered the assistant admission officer of LASU made claimed that he had a short spell with the bae in question and that what's left is meant for less privileged. The bae must have really busted his balls to badly that he had to make such unguarded and childish statement, Agbaya!...shio! We wish our newest couple the best. Let people be firing katapot of envy. They will never put asunder.

The month of July is what we will call the month of birthdays in the new hostel. We had a lot of birthday celebrations. An abnormal style of celebration started with one of the afro wearing dudes in school, he never hexpererrrit. He was dragged from his room down to the corridor and the floodgates of heaven where let loose on him, he also had his bath with detergent and raw egg (Abasha!). The ladies were not exempted as they showed their love through numerous birthday chants and waves. After the water ritual dancing, he was ushered into a new year with prayers. Evil doers turn to saints, Hian!

This new trend was gaining ground not until it was attempted on one very cute spiriko sophomore sister like that who was pounced on by her roommate who had been ordained Iya osun and who was to perform the initial rites before other people join in. The rest of the story was not palatable. We initially thought the madam was allergic to water not until we heard serious shouts from the room of how someone’s hair will become smelly among many other things. Advice to the ladies, biko stay away from the hair, better still offer a shower cap before you commence your ritual. Anyway we at AMITY wish every celebrant a happy birthday not minding that cakes were not sent our way.

Last week we had the annual LMF cooking competition, there we had contestant from all classes except one.The  turnout to  the event was unexpectedly high, anyway trust LASUCOMites anywhere there is food, they would be there. The highlights of the competition was when one of our beautiful and sexy Alhaja made the fastest food we have ever seen in a space of about seven minutes and some seconds. Hmm! All these wife materials sha…One of the contestants got the award for the saltiest food of the day. Some of us were disappointed as the Calabar-based mama who we thought would win the competition failed us.

On the other hand, our one time ile owoof our union was also involved, thank God she got a prize for her effotts. We were all surprised when the winners were announced. Some people said there was ojoro but according to one of our judges who owns one of the LASUTH canteens, she said they made a perfect meal. That night, the winners had male visitors. Only God knows what was their aim, if it is for the food or something else. You all know the saying of our grandmas that the supreme way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.

Our chapel family recently appointed new excos to handle one of their constituencies. Before the appointment,delegates from this constituency went on serious fasting and prayer so that God would direct them on who to vote for. We even saw some of them always going to car park every night forspecial prayers so they would be voted in during the election and chosen after their statutory interview. Some people were given letters to come for the interview while some others were not. The most disappointing thing was that the most loved guy who we gathered that most people voted for rejected the offer to serve. We also got the gist that some of people went to the interview on cyclers. Hmm!We wonder why someone will wear cyclers to a religious interview, as if Esther or Mary must have worn bad ass cyclers when God called them. In the end, some were happy while some were disappointed especially the some who wanted to be director of studies. Sorry o!  Better luck next time.

“Where is the welfare, we need light”, ”ah! Who is this, lemme alone”, ”Come spend the night in my room”, “you are safe with me”, “welfare!”. These are excerpts from the conversation between guys and the girls sometime ago when the light in the 3^rd floor of the barracks tripped off late in night. The nice guys offered the ladies their rooms to come stay in over the night, but the girls refused. Maka why? They began screaming all over the hostel just before the welfare director worked miracle. He came to their rescue, some say he just said:“let there be light” and there was light. Seems like he also did same on Sunday when water ceased to rush in SHC. He struck the rock and saved our‘senior sisters’ from oozing in the church bus. They sure were singing his praise all the way to church:“What manner of man is our welfare director, Hallelujah”. Hmm, LASUMSA is working………… and we are watching.

 DISCLAIMER:  Any resemblance to anyone dead, almost dead or not yet dead in this article is a untrue. All news you have seen here and are yet to see are strictly fiction and perhaps a prophetic coincidence. You won't like the idea of  thinking these are about  you. But if you make the mistake thinking so, do yourselfa favor please. Kindly pick leaves from a tree, roll them up light  it up and gently put in up the hole between your gluteus. With that done, you'd be sure to keep smiling and have a good day.

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